I'm eating Doritos for breakfast. I know it's bad, but I'm an addict. We had a party yesterday, and I bought two big bags of them. Gave the unopened one away. The other is sitting in front of me, and we're spending some quality time. Worse, I'm pulling them out, examining them for 'cheese quality,' and the ones that don't make the cut, I throw those back in the bag.
So it's just me & the best of the best...
(Okay, to my defense, the last time I bought Doritos was last December, at another party...)
I'm not even tempted by the table sized cake sitting on the table, covered in that white airbrushed icing. And I ought to focus on the watermelon, that wouldn't be so bad. But I'm not.
Reuben's been bringing his balls in the house, and when the kids pick the balls up, he gets into this frenzy. Then I get into a frenzy.
"Don't throw those in the house! Outside! Outside!!!" He's got these big bear claws, and they are scratching up my new hardwood floor. I need to have his nails cut, but I haven't been able to bring myself to do it. You see, there's this joke that I'd heard, decades ago. You know the one?
Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they struck up a conversation.
The black Lab turned to the chocolate Lab and said, "So why are you here?"
The brown Lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything....the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."
The black Lab said, "So what is the vet going to do?" "Gonna cut my nuts off," came the reply from the chocolate Lab. "They reckon it'll calm me down."
The black Lab then turned to the yellow lab and asked, "Why are you here?"
The yellow Lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in m y owner's couch."
"So what are they going to do to you?" the black Lab inquired. "Looks like I'm losing my nuts too", the dejected yellow Lab said.
The yellow Lab then turned to the black Lab and asked, "Why are you here?"
"I'm a humper," the black Lab said. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started hammering away".
The yellow and chocolate Labs exchanged a sad glance and said, "So, it's off with your nuts too, huh?"
The black Lab said.... "No, I'm just here to get my nails clipped."