Thursday, May 6, 2010

I'm not so sure it's a good day to blog.
because there's this part of me that just wants to let out all
my frustrations, my mental static, and I don't want to be that person.
I want to be the effervescent spirit that rises above
my issues. & I try.
but sometimes there are days when it's just hard to put on my trooper face
(we all have them)
I want to not say aloud what ails me.
There's a perception that if something isn't verbalized,
it may not actually exist.

I guess I'll vent today.

Normally I walk the rose line at the front fence, but the construction workers start early and end late, and I subconsciously feel that they think I stand and pretend to search the rose leaves, while I'm actually watching them. But really I'm looking for worms eating on my new growth, and annoyed at their hammering as it invades my most prized moments of meditative thought.
I'm starting small but I think I'm on a roll now.

So our health insurance sent us a letter saying they are leaving our state and ending our health insurance, and the idea of shopping for health insurance eight months after brain surgery is daunting. Of course, some of you may say that there's always the new Health Reform with that high risk pool, but my state has opted out of that. Personally, I feel fine and don't view myself as high risk, but it's sitting heavily with me.
(My state is actually trying to change it's state constitution in order to opt out of all health reform. "We're the state that wanted slavery," my husband says, "It's the intelligence of that same gene pool- Slavery is Good, Health Reform is Bad. I'm just a few hairs away from moving us to Europe myself," he says. but our doorshop isn't a mobile one.)

This week was my 14th wedding anniversary.
But my Steven had to work a 16 hour day,
that day and every day
so we said we'd just postpone it for awhile.
I know it just is what it is for now.

14 years ago :)

& I just heard the grinch was sent home from the hospital
with hospice.
& i don't exactly know how to process the information.
though I never lived with him a day of my life
I do feel sad for him & confused for me;
and it's one of those moments where you have to forget things
like the time I mailed out Christmas cards the first year I lived on my own,
and he called asking where his was,
but I knew he was a Jehovah's Witness,
& he said, "No, I never was, I just told you that
so I wouldn't have to send you birthday cards or gifts"
& all the other conversations where I ended up crying.
You have to forget that stuff and try to look at what else there is.
I don't know what else there is.

I don't know how to fill in that blank line.
I don't think he did either. That's why he wouldn't sign it.
he left it blank and all these years perhaps I've been trying to
fill in that line.
& no one is perfect.
I have a head full of static from the whole thing.
but I guess we'll be making a drive.

I think I'm done now.
I don't know if it's all better out than in.
I used to think that from whatever place someone is in life
things could only get better.
Today is one of those days I'm hopeful but unsure.

thanks for bearing with my wee blog. :)

No comments:

Post a Comment