Tuesday, February 8, 2011


It's been too long!
I've long known my blog has made a change; and as much as I want to keep up appearances,
some days I feel as though I need to sit with my peeps and have my Confessional moment. I am not always what I was. My mind is different. My brain is different. And some days it makes me sad because I feel the need to appear as though I am completely connected or completely as I was. There is a pressure to be exactly what I was for the comfort of those around me.
And I'm trying :). But I am not connecting with people the way I once could. There's a part of me that needs to say that perhaps the brain that left the building in 09 did not come back completely normal, and when you try to tell me some long story, I may only mentally follow for three minutes, and maybe only about 45 seconds, and then really when I'm lost and it seems your not speaking the same language anymore, I don't really want to even try to maintain eye contact to pretend I understand what you're talking about. I just want to look at a magazine with pictures of tiles or something odd but non verbal.
And when people tell me the same stories over and over it makes me tired, because while I cannot remember everything, I remember that you told me the ages of so and so's new girlfriends kids and I now just want to see some nice tile.
This is completely wrong, I know, but since this space holds my name, no place to vent like this one. My secret room. And I know you won't mind just for today.
My mother has commented of the mental change since the surgery, and how she was discussing it with my brother but was afraid to talk about it with me. This presented itself as a moment of relief. I know. Feel free to mention it,beause I'm trying so hard to make you think I'm the same, if you know, let me not work so hard. Let me be that person and not try to make you think I'm the other one.
And I remember breezing through books, reading several over a weekend, and I know that now a few pages are a challenge. Things that I should do or have done seem confusing to me and I just want to be able to be grateful for a simpler person that holds this space. I don't want to feel like the placeholder for someone who was smarter than me. I guess I just don't want to feel the pressure to be someone that I may not always be. I want to eat thai food and search through junk stores, and if I write a thing to tackle, I want to tackle that thing (2 loads of laundry washed/folded/put away & a shower for today) and then I want to revel in the fact that I accomplished my goals, rather that feeling like I'm not amounting to anything. I want to feel empathy again and I don't always. And there are days I just can't express myself.
How come no one ever tells anyone Its okay to be tired? It's okay to be tired. & If you are here by way of Googling brain surgery, it's okay to not be the same. I give you permission. If doesn't make you an infant...
and don't worry, the spirit of 'you' is still in there somewhere, and whoever needs it will see it in your eyes. Speaking is overrated anyhow. Kindness trumps any of the unnessecary knowledge that sloughed away when you were 'honed and perfected'. Write stuff on your hands if you need too and just grow into your new self.
My dad is dying again.
And I had another birthday this week.
And the cat has been moving folded clothes around the house several floors and I find things out of place and she's scootched them to make me think I'm crazy. A folded shirt and folded pair of socks are the latest items, placed in the center of the living room. Steven says its not possible for her to do that, with two items that were side by side, to be moved and again be placed side by side- by a cat. But it makes me feel better than imagining the old dead owners of the house are moving my clothes. I'm going with the cat. But a little sage couldn't hurt.
Much love to you all. Really :)

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